Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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