Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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