You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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