I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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