ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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