Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
