My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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