Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize