Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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