I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
