I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
