Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
