would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
