This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
