hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
