I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
