ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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