I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Dicks are not precious.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
