I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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