I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
