I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
