Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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