The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
