you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
