i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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