All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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