I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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