I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
