with your own penis?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I will pee on everything he values.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
