Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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