I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
