How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize