We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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