every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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