I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
