Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
