i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
