If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
