Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just found puke in my bra..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
