We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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