In the future we'll all be gay
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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