Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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