did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
