My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
