Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
