Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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