literally had 100 drinks last night.
there's paper in my vomit.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
