Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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