woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
