Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
