So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
