I heard we made out
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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