My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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