Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize