dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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