My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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