i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
