The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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